Things are tough. The reality that there is going to be an addition to our family and I don't feel prepared for it is making me crazy. Being a person who has obsessive compulsive behaviors and is a complete control freak not being able to have all my ducks in a row is making me stressed out. I know all the advise that I need to relax and enjoy this time. But those people are not me and they don't understand the metal struggle that is always on my mind.
My first big breakdown was trying to find a place to put the computer desk. We don't have any room in the house we live in and also cannot get rid of anything and put it in there place. Finally we decided to put the desk in the closet in the spare bedroom. That way we still have all the floor space we need with out having to crowd another room.
Right now my struggles are with my weight gain, finances and babysitting. I am only 7 pounds away from the total amount of weight I wanted to gain through the whole pregnancy. I still eat well but I haven't found my way back to the gym to work out. I am so exhausted after work that I just cannot find the will power to start a workout. I want so badly to go to my spinning class and just sweat my butt off but I know its not good for Layla for me to get my heart rate up to high or raise my body temperature. I just love working out but having so many restrictions makes it more tedious then normal. Everyone says that it is fine to continue with what ever you were doing before as long as you were just walking. I found out today that I shouldn't even do weight workouts standing up because the extra blood could pool in my legs making me dizzy and I could possibly fall.
A couple of weeks ago our finances were on the right track and everything was looking great. Then our taxes were done. Unfortunately we were wrongly advised on what to claim to break even this year and ended up owing all of the money we have put to savings. Luckily we were prepared for something like this and we do have the money ready to go. But now being the way I am I feel like we need to buckle down even more and get money back in our savings account while we are still paying off our last bit of debt. Its all very overwhelming knowing we will have an additional mouth to be feeding in less than 6 months. I just hope I can provide the food for a little while.
My last little rant has to do with child care. I have no intention of being a stay at home mom. Not that I find anything wrong with people who do its just not for me. I like having my own paycheck and being able to get out of the house and go to work. I learned this when I was struggling to get a baking job. I hated being at home. And I also hated having to feel like all the house choirs were my sol responsibility because I wasn't working. I feel that Chris and I have a much easier time being equals because I bring in half the bacon. In addition coming from a divorced family its nice to have my own job and skills so that I can support myself if that time ever came. I do not think it ever will but I don't want to be useless for my children.*** I feel that this comment came off a little harsh. I hate that I used this word, but at the time this is how I felt. I think that people who make the time to stay home with their kids are wonderful patient
people. I am a very plan ahead kind of person and by nature a
pessimist. I tend to go through the bad
before the good. To me having
something happen to mine and Chris's relation ship is something I have thought about because we both come from
divorced families. I just always knew that if I kept my job with kids then no matter what
happened between Chris and I the kids would be
ok. Even if
something were to happen to me, they would have my
life insurance that I get from my work. All of this goes through my mind ad I am sorry that this statement was not
the best way to say it.*** I am planning to go back to work 4 days a week at 9 t o 10 hours to keep my normal income. But this leaves me with fours days of having to pay someone else to watch my baby. I am hoping that my little sister will be our Friday nanny because she usually does not have college on Fridays. And I am also hoping that my mom could watch Layla one day a week. I really want her to be with family and with different people. My cousins daughter goes to daycare on Thursday so it might be fun for them to be there together. I know it is a while before I truly have to deal with all of this but I cant stop thinking about it.
On the brighter side: I was able to spend some time with a friend who just gave birth in December. Talking with her was great because everything is still so fresh in her mind. She still remembers how painful the delivery was. I have been getting a lot of great advise from everyone but nothing beats a person who just did it. She made me feel more comfortable about inducing labor and that I will get my energy back. She said you just learn your baby. I know that most moms are really tired and are up at night but the difference between that and pregnancy tired is that once the baby is here that is life. And you have to adjust and get used to it. It just gave me something to look forward to when things seem to be going so bad right now. And her beautiful sleeping baby helped a lot too. I cant wait to meet Layla. I love her so much already and cant wait to start spending time with her and learning all about her.
n because I thought it would be good for people when they babysit Layla.
hat I have decided at this point is that I would like to have pink and green be the main colors. My "DREAM" is to put up a chair rail with wainscoting and crown molding in white and then paint the room pink. I would bring the green in by the curtains and the rug. I would like to get the painting and base work done before the shower and then after have my very talented family and friends come over and paint all the bugs and flowers on the walls.
